Joke of the Day

[facemelterrp]

Basically what it says. Post a joke of some kind. Political/ethical correctness not an issue.

I'll start:

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk
into a bar.
An air of sectarian hatred and Nationalism
prevented them from enjoying their pint.

[Mariana]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[facemelterrp]

Thought of another one.

Here I go, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman get on the top of a bouncy castle and whatever they say before they reach the end of the slide is what awaits them and Paddy Englishman goes first and shouts gold and lands into a pile of gold, then Paddy Scotsman goes second and also shouts gold before he reaches the bottom and also gets gold and lastly Paddy Irishman goes to slide down the slide and trips and then shouts shit!

[facemelterrp]

Another Joke for the day

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."
"But Donald, I dinna drink!"
"But I do!"

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[facemelterrp]

Another one

A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a drink here?" The bartender replies "For you sir, no charge".

[Mariana]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[facemelterrp]

So this Gondor soldier walks into Mordor...

[Mariana]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Cheesy? Why, yes! Do I like it anyway? Yup!

[facemelterrp]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,

''Billy, go get your maw!"

[Mariana]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Okay, I admit it, I put this one up just because it's about a pirate...

[facemelterrp]

A little boy came home from
 school and his
 homework assignment was to
 find out what
 the difference was between
 hypothetically and
 realistically... so he asked his dad.
 His dad said, "Well, go ask your
 mom if she
 would sleep with the mail man for
 $1,000,000.
 He went and asked and came
 back and said,
 "She said yes".
 "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your
 sister the
 same question."
 He did and came back and said,
 "She said yes."
 And the dad said, "Now go ask
 your brother
 the same thing."
 He did and came back and said,
 "He said yes
 too!"
 And the dad said, "Well
 hypothetically we're
 sitting on three million dollars,
 realistically
 we're living with 2 whores and a
 homosexual!''

[Mariana]

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne.
The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
“Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.”
“How can you tell?” asked the American.
“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.
A few days later the Egyptian man put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah we’re right over my homeland.” he said.
“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.
“I can feel the heat of the desert.”
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
“Aah, we’re right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.
“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”

[facemelterrp]

Doctor asks from the nurse: How's the situation with the boy who swallowed all his mother's quarters?
Nurse: Still no change.

[Mariana]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[facemelterrp]

A Higgs-Boson particle goes into a church and the priest yells ''Higgs-Boson particles aren't allowed in here! You call yourself the god particle, that's sacrilegious!''
The Higgs-Boson particle says ''If you don't allow Higgs-Boson particles, how do you have mass?''